The year 2019 has begun
And I’m looking forward to it
Though with diminished expectations
I’m comfortable here
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AM I TO OLD TO GROW OLD WITH SOMEONE
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I’m amused and confused
By the number
As it’s reality is far greater
Than I’d imagined
I may not feel it
Or look it
But the truth remains
That I am it
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
It is abundantly clear to me
That despite my best efforts
Age and abuse have caught up with me
And I am now on the backside of this journey
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
But I still hold out hope
That something will change
So that real possibilities can return
The month is ending
With very little on the page
As I have continued my recovery
With little focus elsewhere
I’m recovering strongly
Walking unaided for 2 plus miles
Sleeping with little pain
And ready to play golf regularly
Discomfort accompanies me everywhere
Despite it being unknown to others
And I am too often completely overcome
By the burden it now is
And there has been a darkness
That I feel has taken over
As my social life is in disarray
While other relationships are questionable
I still remain positive
Awaiting my son’s arrival this weekend
And my continued exploration of Paradise
As I continue to reassess my purpose
Eleven years now here
And not one moment of regret
As I have entered the age of the aged
With a new perspective
For life remains a wonder
With my journey ever evolving
And just as each sunset overwhelms me
So does it reinforce and justify everything
Saw a wise man today
As I continue to try
And make sense of
What has become of me
He started out by asking
How’s life
And an hour later
The answer still eluded me
I’ve always felt
That life is about love and fear
And right now I live in fear
And without love
I know that I am loved
But I can’t return it
And for me
That is debilitating
So I need to understand love
In ways I haven’t really explored
Even though I learned to love again
And found a love that still inhabits me
I have always looked at love
As a physical, passionate state
And that is missing right now
And maybe from now on
Sexuality played a big role
And that too does not exist
Except within me and unavailable
To others
I need the touch of someone I love
As I stroke her hair
Kiss her gently
And take her softly to me
I had it
Lost it
And continue to suffer
Without it
Is learning to live again
Learning to live without love
Or learning to redefine love
In the age of the aged
I haven’t given up
I just don’t know
But I’m completely open
To the answers
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I’m having a major identity crisis
As I’m continually reminded
That a man my age
Is not a desirable commodity
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They claim that all they want is friendship
Yet they accept my invitation out
And have no problem watching me
As I pick up the check
It’s not that I have a problem with that
But somehow I find
That within that mindset
Is a modicum of dishonesty
She arrived unexpected
With style and grace
Catching me off guard
Unsure of my place
Over time we have connected
Though the agenda is unclear
But it’s beginning to feel right
So I’ll proceed without fear
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Don’t want to go out to dinner alone
Don’t want to travel alone
Don’t want to boat alone
Don’t want to watch a sunset alone
But I may have to learn how
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Fall is clearly with us
The rainy season has passed
The snowbirds have arrived
And traffic has returned
The annual ritual
Of the elitist descending
Believing in their entitlement
Because they can afford to winter here
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I felt like napping
All-day today
And so without guilt
I did so
**************************************
It is nearly four years
And I have not gotten over BE
As I think about her all the time
There, I’ve admitted it
With all that is happening in the world today, the poem is eerily relevant.
Enjoy REALITY.
Reality is subjective
For we may experience
The exact same moment
Differently
We may witness a sunset
In all its glory
Yet the colors we see
Are not the same
We may speak the words
Of a concerned heart
Yet those words may hurt
When only meant to heal
It seems so simple
To merely learn
That what others feel
Requires our respect
And though we may not agree
We must strive to understand
For without that
We cannot move forward
